Guilt
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Guilt
Sayings
These are a few saying I wrote over the years:Don't work so hard to get people to like you. Instead, work hard to become your true and authentic self. People will like you for who you really are, not the person you are trying so hard to be. Stuart Smalley (aka Al Franken) had it right: "You really are good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people will like you!"
Life is like an unfinished puzzle: we are unable to see the complete picture until the seemingly random mismatched pieces come together, creating something whole out what was once chaos and disarray.
Depression can be a natural result of being honest with a feeling.
After healing occurs (hard work in therapy for instance), it is difficult to go back to where you started. It would be like turning a diamond back into a piece of coal. I can't happen.
Therapy is like a train ride: to get to where you need to be, you have to stay on track. With each "stop," you are brought increasingly closer to your desired destination. If a train could jump forward from point A to point G, then it would be a plane. Don't be in a hurry, take a train.
You cannot get back what you lost. But you can create what didn't have.
When you are happy while life is tough, then you are living a worthwhile life.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Communicating Well with Your Teen Presentation (download)
I have uploaded the audience handout for my training at Stevenson High School on April 3o, "Communicating Well with Your Teen." Also up loaded in the complete version of the training, which will be used at a future time, when there is more time.
This link will take you to the document:
Training Document
This link will take you to the document:
Training Document
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stevenson High School Presentation: Communicating with Your Teenager
On Thursday April 30, Hal Fillian and myself (both from Arbor Counseling Center) will be presenting "Communicating with Your Teenager" to an audience of 75 parents at Stevenson High School. The presentation will start at 8:30am and last for an hour and half. To register, call Lisa Franz of Stevenson High School: (847) 415-4000
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Don't Dance (Codependency)
The "dance" of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.
When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.
Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.
The codependent's fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.
All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.
Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.
No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.
When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.
Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.
The codependent's fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.
All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.
Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.
No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Ten Rule for Being Human
Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8.What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8.What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Is Sex Addiction Real?
Unlike for alcohol or drug addiction, there is no formal diagnosis for Sex Addiction in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM IV). According to Chester Schmidt, chair of the DSM-IV Sexual Disorder Work Group, there is “no scientific data to support a concept of sexual behavior that can be considered addictive. (1)” Schmidt believed that what is called sex addiction is more likely a symptom of other psychological problems like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or bipolar disorder.
According to Benoit Denizet-Lewis (2), "Believers in a sex-addiction diagnosis point out that for many years, doctors and psychiatrists similarly dismissed alcoholism, refusing to accept that it was a serious problem in itself, not merely a symptom of something else." Many of practitioners in the sexual addiction field are hopeful that the DSM V, which is due out in 2012, will include expanded diagnostic choices for process addictions, including sex, gambling, spending, eating, and/or religion addictions. According to Elizabeth Hartney, "a working group of professionals has recently suggested diagnostic criteria which may be considered for the next edition of the manual, due to be published in 2012."
According to John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (3) "What is both amazing and a little disturbing, however, is to see entire professional societies, such as the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, spring up around a disorder that isn’t even officially recognized as such. And despite no clinical agreed-upon criteria for sex addiction, the Society estimates that 3 to 5% of Americans have it." According to the Mayo clinic, sex addiction is estimated to affect 3 to 6 percent of adults in the United States.
Because sex is a part of normal human functioning, it is difficult and at times a scientific challenge to compare sexual addictions to chemical addictions. Both "normal" or pathological (addictive) sexual patters are open to diverse and often controversial definitions. Clearly, factors such as personality, psychopathology, gender differences, sexual preferences, cultural differences, socio-economic status, and other "filters" have made a clear consensus for a definition of sexual addiction that much more challenging. Making matters even more complicated is the fact that topic of sexual deviance and/or sexual pathology remains as one of the most taboo topic in our society. Individuals with a sexual addiction are often the subject of ridicule and harsh judgment, whereas others suffering from drug/alcohol or other more accepted process addictions, ie gambling, spending, elicit more social acceptance.
Another ironic twist is that the co-founder Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, was considered a sex addict. According to biographers and Alcohol Anonymous historians, Bill Wilson not only was an alcoholic, but was also a sex addict. Wilson was flirtatious, had multiple affairs, and according to biographer, Susan Cheever (4), "had an inability to regulate his behavior with women” and was “often accused of groping and unwelcome fondling,” However, he was married to the same woman for 53 years.
Until sex addiction is formally included in the DSM V, we currently derive a "diagnosis" through assessments protocols specifically designed for this addiction. Such protocols are provided by specially trained qualified mental health practitioners. Clinicians, such as myself, utilize uniquely designed instruments that are designed to collect relevant information necessary for a diagnostic conclusion. Information collected during the assessment includes: sexual history, drug/alcohol history, psychosocial assessment, mental health history, and other relevant information. Additionally, an assessment involves interviews with the client, affected partners, i.e. spouse or partner, and if possible, mental health providers who have or who are providing services to person being evaluated.
According to data collected by Patrick Carnes, many sex addicts also have other addictions. For example, in Carnes' research, of the individuals who were diagnosed with a sex addiction, 42% were chemically dependent, 38% had an eating disorder, 28% were compulsive workers (workaholics), 26% were compulsive spenders, and 5% were compulsive gamblers. Ruling out cross addictions is an important component of the assessment. Because of the high prevalence of cross addictions, the sex addiction evaluator must have a background in the general field of addictions.
When a cross addiction is present, it is important to identify which addiction requires attention first. This is crucial when it is determined that the sex addict is also addicted to a drug/alcohol. In these cases, detoxification (detoxing) of the drug may require medical services in order to ensure that the client physical health is not compromised. The experience of physical withdrawals can potentially create medical risks.
As many practitioners and sex addicts know, that despite a formal recognition of this disorder, it is indeed very real. Lets the intellectuals battle out what is and what is not a diagnosis. In the meantime, lets provide the much needed services to those who are suffering from this disorder.
(1) (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/30/is-sexual-addiction-real/)
(2) www.americaanonymous.com
(3) psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/30/is-sexual-addiction-real
(4) http://nymag.com/nymetro/arts/books/reviews/n_9880/
(5) http://edition.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/09/05/sex.addiction/index.html
(6) http://addictions.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/sexaddiction.htm
According to Benoit Denizet-Lewis (2), "Believers in a sex-addiction diagnosis point out that for many years, doctors and psychiatrists similarly dismissed alcoholism, refusing to accept that it was a serious problem in itself, not merely a symptom of something else." Many of practitioners in the sexual addiction field are hopeful that the DSM V, which is due out in 2012, will include expanded diagnostic choices for process addictions, including sex, gambling, spending, eating, and/or religion addictions. According to Elizabeth Hartney, "a working group of professionals has recently suggested diagnostic criteria which may be considered for the next edition of the manual, due to be published in 2012."
According to John M. Grohol, Psy.D. (3) "What is both amazing and a little disturbing, however, is to see entire professional societies, such as the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, spring up around a disorder that isn’t even officially recognized as such. And despite no clinical agreed-upon criteria for sex addiction, the Society estimates that 3 to 5% of Americans have it." According to the Mayo clinic, sex addiction is estimated to affect 3 to 6 percent of adults in the United States.
Because sex is a part of normal human functioning, it is difficult and at times a scientific challenge to compare sexual addictions to chemical addictions. Both "normal" or pathological (addictive) sexual patters are open to diverse and often controversial definitions. Clearly, factors such as personality, psychopathology, gender differences, sexual preferences, cultural differences, socio-economic status, and other "filters" have made a clear consensus for a definition of sexual addiction that much more challenging. Making matters even more complicated is the fact that topic of sexual deviance and/or sexual pathology remains as one of the most taboo topic in our society. Individuals with a sexual addiction are often the subject of ridicule and harsh judgment, whereas others suffering from drug/alcohol or other more accepted process addictions, ie gambling, spending, elicit more social acceptance.
Another ironic twist is that the co-founder Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, was considered a sex addict. According to biographers and Alcohol Anonymous historians, Bill Wilson not only was an alcoholic, but was also a sex addict. Wilson was flirtatious, had multiple affairs, and according to biographer, Susan Cheever (4), "had an inability to regulate his behavior with women” and was “often accused of groping and unwelcome fondling,” However, he was married to the same woman for 53 years.
Until sex addiction is formally included in the DSM V, we currently derive a "diagnosis" through assessments protocols specifically designed for this addiction. Such protocols are provided by specially trained qualified mental health practitioners. Clinicians, such as myself, utilize uniquely designed instruments that are designed to collect relevant information necessary for a diagnostic conclusion. Information collected during the assessment includes: sexual history, drug/alcohol history, psychosocial assessment, mental health history, and other relevant information. Additionally, an assessment involves interviews with the client, affected partners, i.e. spouse or partner, and if possible, mental health providers who have or who are providing services to person being evaluated.
According to data collected by Patrick Carnes, many sex addicts also have other addictions. For example, in Carnes' research, of the individuals who were diagnosed with a sex addiction, 42% were chemically dependent, 38% had an eating disorder, 28% were compulsive workers (workaholics), 26% were compulsive spenders, and 5% were compulsive gamblers. Ruling out cross addictions is an important component of the assessment. Because of the high prevalence of cross addictions, the sex addiction evaluator must have a background in the general field of addictions.
When a cross addiction is present, it is important to identify which addiction requires attention first. This is crucial when it is determined that the sex addict is also addicted to a drug/alcohol. In these cases, detoxification (detoxing) of the drug may require medical services in order to ensure that the client physical health is not compromised. The experience of physical withdrawals can potentially create medical risks.
As many practitioners and sex addicts know, that despite a formal recognition of this disorder, it is indeed very real. Lets the intellectuals battle out what is and what is not a diagnosis. In the meantime, lets provide the much needed services to those who are suffering from this disorder.
(1) (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/30/is-sexual-addiction-real/)
(2) www.americaanonymous.com
(3) psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/09/30/is-sexual-addiction-real
(4) http://nymag.com/nymetro/arts/books/reviews/n_9880/
(5) http://edition.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/09/05/sex.addiction/index.html
(6) http://addictions.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/sexaddiction.htm
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