New Website! http://www.help4sexualaddiction.com/

I am in the process of publishing a new website. This site (CLICK HERE) is being designed to represent my addictions work, with an emphasis on sexual addiction and sexual co-addiction. Although it is "under construction" please take a look and let me know what you think.

2009 Trainings

Now that the final training of 2009 is completed, I can rest! I must say, this has been a lot of fun for me. Although I have worked hard on writing/preparing, the positive feedback from the classes/trainings were very inspiring and motivating.

In 2009, I providing three professional trainings on Sexual Addiction: August 7th, September 25th, and November 13, 2009. Although the trainings were oriented for mental health practitioners seeking continuing education credits (CEU's), they were also designed to be informative for the general public. Topics included: signs and symptoms, behavior types, levels of addictions, demographics, gender differences, cross addictions, co-sex addiction, assessment, and treatment of individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors and/or sexual addictions.

The August 7, AATP, training was on "Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Sexual Addiction. It was at Christ Hospital in Oak Lawn IL was a great success. I received favorable feedback and plan to continue with the message: this is a very important topic to understand as well as an under-served and under-recognized population that needs help. AATP is a not-for-profit training academy established to provide professional continuing education for mental health practitioners. To contact AATP (click on this link or go to http://www.aatpofillinois.com/.

On September 25 Arbor Counseling Center hosted a similar training, but only for three hours (3 CEU's). The training was at Indian Trails Public Library, 355 Schoenbeck Rd., Wheeling IL.

On November 13, Alexian Brothers Behavioral Center for Professional Education hosted 2 hour (2 CEU) training on Sexual Addictions: An Introduction. The training was posted on their websit: http://www.alexianbrothershealth.org/services/abbhh/professionaleducation/professional-education-programs.aspx

I am anticipating further trainings in 2010. Some of the topics I am considering include: ADHD, Codpendency/Co-Addictions, and/or Treatment and Assessment of Sexual Addiction.

Signs of Sexual Addiction

Signs of Sexual Addiction (Based upon Patrick Carnes work)

1. Loss of Control
• Out of control sexual behavior predominates
• The addicts cannot control the extent, duration and regularity of his/her sexual behavior
• Behavior excesses continue despite clear signs of danger (consequences)
-- Compulsive masturbation
-- Compulsive pornography use
-- Chronic affairs
-- Exhibitionism: intrusive "flaunting/showing"
-- Dangerous sexual practices, i.e., asphyxiation
-- Prostitution
-- Anonymous sex (at porn shops, bars, etc.)
-- Voyeurism: intrusive "watching"

2. Continuation Despite Consequences
• Social Consequences
-- Loss of marriage/primary relationship, friendships and social networks
-- Problematic relationships with spouse, family and/or significant others
• Emotional Consequences
-- Depression, anxiety, fear, etc.
-- Suicidal thoughts, plans and/or attempts (70% have thought about it)
• Physical Consequences
-- Injury due to frequency and type of behaviors
-- Sexually-transmitted diseases
-- Unwanted pregnancies or abortions
-- Sleep disturbances
• Legal Consequences
-- Arrests for sexual crimes (voyeurism, lewd conduct, etc.),
-- Loss of job, licensure, and/or professional status
-- Sexual harassment charges
-- Fines, legal fees, probation, or incarceration
-- Being on the Sexual Offender Database
• Financial Consequences
-- Costs of pornography, prostitutes, and phone sex can cause financial hardships
-- Loss of productivity, creativity and/or employment
-- Loss of career opportunities
-- Bankruptcy

3. Efforts to Stop
• Repeated specific attempts to the behavior, which fail
• Even after multiple life changing consequences, the sex addict cannot stop -- Leads to further frustration, anger, shame and depression
-- Frustration fuels further episodes of addictive behavior)

4. Loss of Time
• Significant amounts of time lost doing and/or recovering from the behavior

5. Inability to Fulfill Obligations
• The behavior interferes with work, school, family, and friends
• High-risk behavior is continued despite responsibilities and expectations
• A pattern of broken promises and failures

6. Ongoing Desire or Effort to Limit Sexual Behavior
• Repeated but futile attempts to change, limit or stop addictive behavior
• Breaking promises to change, limit or stop behavior
• Cross Addictions: substituting or transferring another addiction to aid in stopping or controlling sexual cravings
-- Workaholism
-- Overeating
-- Alcohol abuse
-- Illegal and prescribed drug abuse
-- Compulsive gambling
-- Religious Addiction
-- Romance addiction

7. Preoccupation (Obsession about or because of behavior)
• Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
• Elevated levels of arousal are used to cover up feelings
• Sex becomes a primary drug to numb, "medicate" and/or regulate emotions
• Sex is used to block out painful and unpleasant memories
• Euphoric Recall or "Sex in the head" maintains the fix whenever needed
-- Secretive mental images of past sexual acting out, which is used to sexually act out again
-- Its like having a personal collection of pornography to be used at any time

8. Escalation
• Amounts of behavior increase because the current levels no longer satiate cravings
-- Higher "dosages" are needed to get the same feeling/excitement.
-- Can cause self injury
• Masturbation to the point of injury
• Asphyxiation
-- Increased levels create victims

9. Severe mood changes around sexual activity
• Depression, anxiety, anger, and other mood/affective states can result from repeated failures to stop or control the
addictive behavior
• 70% described chronic feelings of depression
-- Other chronic mood or affective states include:
• Anxiety
• Guilt and shame
• Anger at self and others
• Hopelessness and despair (monitor suicidal ideations)
-- Mood changes may be "medicated" (hidden) through the use of other drugs or medications

10. Compulsive Behavior
• Sexual behavior that you want to stop but you can't
• A pattern of out of control behavior over time
• Sex becomes the organizing principal of daily life
• Everything revolves around it
-- On sexual obsessions and fantasizing
-- On planning next event
-- On sexual acting out (some spend 8 hours a night on the internet)
-- On covering up or making up for lost time
-- Addressing consequences of sexual behavior

11. Losses
• Losing, limiting, or sacrificing valued parts of life
-- Hobbies, family relationships, and work
-- Loss of important personal, social, occupational or recreational activities
-- Loss of friends and family (loss of relationships)
-- Loss of long-term relationships
-- Loss of talents, goals, and personal and professional aspirations

12. Withdrawal
• Stopping behavior causes considerable distress, anxiety, irritability, or physical discomfort.
• Usually lasts for about 14 days, but can be as long as 10 weeks
-- Insomnia
-- Headaches and/or body aches
-- High or low sexual arousal and/or genital sensitivity
-- Increased appetite for food
-- Chills, sweats, shakes and/or nausea
-- Rapid heartbeat and/or shortness of breath
-- Intrusive dreams
-- High level of anxiety and irritability
-- Emotional lability (roller coaster feelings)
• Some sex addicts with a chemical dependency report that withdrawals are worse for sex addiction than for drug/alcohol addictions

Sexual Addiction Behavior Types

I thought I would give a preview to an upcoming training. Otherwise, it is important information when working with sexually addictive clientele. As you will see, sex addiction comes in many forms and types. Anything from the lone web surfer who spends 5 hours a night looking at pornography, to the patron of a prostitute, to the exhibitionist (man in the raincoat), the voyeur, and others.

Sexual Addiction Behavioral Types

1. Fantasy Sex – Sexually charged fantasies, relationships, and situations
• “Sex in the head” - arousal depends on sexual possibility
• The fantasy is preferred over sex
• Fantasies can be all-consuming
• Rarely is sex the goal (unless it’s necessary to control an outcome)

2. Seductive Role Sex – Seduction of partners
• Being sexual without being truthful about intentions
• Arousal is based on conquest
• Arousal diminishes after initial contact
• Seduction equals power and control
• Can results in multiple relationships, affairs and/or serial relationships

3. Anonymous Sex -- High-risk sex with unknown persons
• Arousal involves no seduction or costs and is immediate
• Cruising, one-night stands, public baths, peep shows, Craigslist ads, etc.
• No emotional connection

4. Paying for Sex – Purchasing of sexual services
• Arousal is connected to payment of sex
• With time, the arousal is connected to money itself
• Prostitution, phone sex, sexual massages

5. Trading for Sex – Selling or bartering sex for power
• Arousal is based on gaining control of others by using sex as leverage
• Receiving money or drugs for sex
* Making explicit movies/videos, stripping, pimping, and/or drugs for sex

6. Voyeuristic Sex - Visual Arousal
• The use of visual stimulation to escape into an obsessive trance
• Secretive looking or “peeping” to obtain sexual gratification
• Use of pornographic photos, magazines, computer and/or videos to obtain a fix

7. Exhibitionistic Sex – Attracting attention to the body or sexual parts of the body
• Sexual arousal stems from the viewer’s reaction, whether it is shock or interest
• Exposing oneself to obtain sexual gratification and/or power
• Exposing oneself in public places, at home, in a car
• Wearing clothes designed to expose and titillate

8. Intrusive Sex – Boundary violations without discovery
• “Stealing sex” without the possibility of getting caught
• Sexually touching people in crowds
• Surprising unsuspecting individuals with sexual comments, jokes, and/or observations

9. Pain Exchange – Being humiliated or hurt as a part of the sexual arousal
• Aroused by sadistic activities, hurting or degrading another sexually
• Or both
* Bondage sex or “S & M” (Sadomasochism)

10. Object Sex – Masturbating with objects
• Cross-dressing
• Uncontrolled use of masturbatory objects: blow-up dolls, latex vaginas, dildos
• Fetishisms

11. Exploitive Sex -- Exploitation of the vulnerable
• Arousal patterns are based on target “types” of vulnerability
• Force, intimidation, or manipulation may be used
• 30% of male and 14% of female sex addicts have had sex with minors
• Pedophiles are not necessarily sex addicts
• Sex addicts can be pedophiles

Definitions of Sexual Addiction

The best place to start in understanding sexual addiction is to begin with a definition. Here are three of my favorites:

An unhealthy relationship to any sexual experience (thoughts, fantasies, experiences, etc.) that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences.

Sexual Addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession, or preoccupation that enslaves a person's will and desire. It is an attachment to lust, which is the process that enslaves desire and creates the state of addiction. This leads to disordered thinking and fantasies and the acting out of unwanted or improper sexual behavior no matter how intensely and sincerely one wants to stop.

The “athlete’s foot of the mind. It never goes away; it is always asking to be scratched, promising relief. To scratch, however, is to cause pain and intensify the itch.”

Three Upcoming Professional Sexual Addiction Trainings

I will be providing three professional trainings on Sexual Addiction this year: August 7, September 18, and on September 25. Although the trainings are oriented for mental health practitioners seeking continuing education credits (CEU's), they also will be informative for the general public. Topics to be included: signs and symptoms, behavior types, levels of addictions, demographics, gender differences, cross addictions, co-sex addiction, assessment, and treatment of individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors and/or sexual addictions.

On August 7 Friday, AATP, will hosting my training on "Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Sexual Addiction" at the Auditorium in Christ Hospital, 4440 W. 95th Street, Oak Lawn. This will be a 6 CEU (6 hour) training, which will cost $95. To register, contact AATP. AATP is a not-for-profit training academy established to provide professional continuing education for mental health practitioners.

On September 18, AATP will again be "Addicted to Sex: Compulsive Sexual Behaviors and Sex Addiction Assessment and Treatment" on Friday, September 18 at Prairie Heart Institute, 619 E. Mason St., Springfield, IL. This also will be a 6 CEU (6 hour) training, which will cost $95. To register, contact AATP.

On September 25 Arbor Counseling Center will host a similar training, but only for three hours (3 CEU's). The training will at Indian Trails Public Library, 355 Schoenbeck Rd., Wheeling IL. The training starts at 9:30 and ends at 12:30 pm. Registration begins at 9:00 am. A registraton form is posted on Arbor's website. http://www.arborcounselingcenter.com," The cost of the training will be $45.

Don't Dance (Codependency)

The "dance" of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.

When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.

The codependent's fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.

All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.

No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.

Rebuilding Trust

For the math aficionados, I provide you with a mathematical formula for building trust. A client game me this one:

Trust =

Consistent behavior
___________________

Time